It’s weird that I’m in the process of changing my life around so that I can pursue my writing and it’s what I’ve been doing the least of these days. I always do the same thing.
I never like to share my confusion and my fears with everyone.
I wanna seem like I have my shit together all the time.
Maybe that’s my biggest problem.
In making people believe that I have all of the answers, I close myself off to the advice and guidance other people can offer me.
And even though I’ve been working on getting rid of my worries and replacing them with positive thoughts, I can’t help but wonder if the path I’m about to take will lead me to great heights or open the door to a lot of problems – or both.
But then again, isn’t that always the case? I mean, the reason success is hard is because it’s different for everyone. No one can really teach you how to be successful, and if they can, they keep you from falling flat on your face on the road to success.
And when I say success I’m not only referring to my career.
At the same time that I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea that I can succeed as a writer, I’m also trying to do the same when it comes to love.
And I know that it’s totally different and that I have no control over when or how I fall in love. However, they are similar in the sense that I can choose to be open to new opportunities or I can allow my fears to keep me exactly where I am.
I don’t know when I’m gonna meet the love of my life – or if I’ve met him already. But I’ve only recently learned that, in order to find out if a guy is the right guy for me, I actually have to be open to the idea of him being that guy.
So often I close myself off to a guy because there are a couple of things that I don’t love about him, then I find the one guy that I can’t have and set my sights on him.
Why?
Because at the end of the day, no matter how much I’ve cried about being alone, I have not allowed anyone to love me.
But I’m trying to be different.
I’m trying to put myself out there more.
Trying to put my pride aside and allow myself to feel a little vulnerable.
I’m learning that it’s okay to be uncomfortable.
It’s okay to be scared.
It’s okay to not know everything.
And as much as I freak myself out about the future, I know that I’ve never let myself down.
I haven’t pissed away too many opportunities or hurt myself too badly. I care about myself and I wanna see myself happy.
And I’ve always had hope.
I’m still working on the faith, though.
It’s not so much because I have such huge doubts.
It’s just hard for me to believe that there could be so much for me. I can see so many good things in my future that it makes it hard to believe that they can all be mine.
It almost feels wrong.
I feel like I should have to suffer later in life for having it so easy early in life.
But I’m gonna stop thinking like that. If anything, my wonderful life should make it easier to conceive of good things for myself.
I mean, some people have to start from nothing – some people grew up hungry. Some people were abused, some people have had to deal with diseases and so many other hardships, and they’ve still made it.
I’ve started off with all of the advantages in the world, which means that I have no reason to doubt myself.
I’m the only person who can keep me from making my dreams come true. I need to remember that. I need to remember that doing what feels good isn’t as important as doing what feels right.
I also need to remember that it isn’t as important for me to do great things as it is for me to do good things.
